Random Thoughts

A Brand New Insecurity

So here I go again… still trying to post some random thoughts on me.

Today is finally the last day of my fifth semester. I cannot believe I am saying this but I feel so relieved I thought I was not going to make it until the final exams. I am waiting for a nice result, though (well, I just want to sound as an optimistic freak while actually I am so very afraid about my GPA :p)

It is 2013 already and though I am so very late, I just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!~

Yeah, a brand new year, again, which brings insecurities within me. I have been trying not to dwell on what is going on and what will be but my mind is at its stubborn mode for refusing to do what I want it to do. I hate to say this but I am afraid of what is not here yet, the so-called future.

It is 2013, the year when I am finally turning 21 and hopefully the year of my graduation and for that, I keep getting questions from everyone especially my parents,

“what would you like to be when you graduate?”;

“at what age would you like to get married?”; or even the worst one

“have you got any plans for your future?”

I may just be honest and tell them what I want to be but a noisy sound all over my head keeps whispering me “what if it will never come true?”. I hate to answer such question pointed to me because I know if I answer it, the next thing that would likely happen is that high hopes and expectations to be heard in every talk which kill me.

I have been in a state which people put high expectation on me and I ended up failing. I know that I am blessed for being surrounded by people with huge tolerance and understanding. They might say that it was okay but deep down, I was the most disappointed one for not being able to live up to their expectation.

Most of the times,The most stressing thing is to hear about people’s expectation towards me. I am afraid of letting people down. I am afraid of failure. It is only the beginning of the year but my insecurities almost take over my mind.

A friend of mine said “don’t be afraid, you will be just okay.” It is easy peasy to say that but nothing could literally help you overcome the feeling that sticks to your mind everyday.

I am just afraid, I hope some of you out there are too.


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